What's pink and hard when it goes in... and soft and wet when it comes out?
ANSWER:
Bubblegum!
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This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over."
Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.
"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.
"OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat."
With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"
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There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.
The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.
The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"
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There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.
The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."
The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."
The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."
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The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this... When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?
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A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"
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John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
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What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
ANSWER:
Men always miss them!
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David finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"
"No, she's broke."
"Well, then, is it sex?"
"Nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what can she do that I can't?"
"Sue me for child support."
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A little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the shelter shed.
"Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches."
"Why?" he asked.
"'Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.
"I don't believe you," he said. "You'll have to show me."
Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.
"You're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken also. Perhaps I'm getting feathers too."
"Well, I'd better have a look," she said.
After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it's too late for you. You've got the neck and giblets too."
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A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside.
A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?"
"For how much?" asks the man.
"One hundred dollars," the hooker answers.
"I'll give you five bucks," he replies.
The hooker swears at him and walks away.
A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk.
As they round the corner, there stands the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "HA!… see what you get for five bucks?"
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A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off.
He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that’s the Robinson’s, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"
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A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday!
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions!
Q : How do you really confuse a blonde?
A : Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner!
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out!
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn!!
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