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Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
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A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."
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these 3 girls went out and partied and got drunk.the next moring they were taking about who did the craziest thing last night.the 1st girl said i was so drunk i run into a stop sign.the second girl says thats nothing i rode up to the mc donalds drive-in in on a bike.the third girl goes thats nothing last night i blowed chunks.the other girls say thats nothin.and then the third girl says no chunks is my dog
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The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT number from the nearby town.
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.
For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G strings. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.
The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.
For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage. The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"
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One day a little girl's parents were fighting in the kitchen and the father calls the mother a bitch and the mother calls the father a hoe. The little girl asked what they meant. The parents replied that it meant a very nice person. The father exclaims that the mothers has small tits. The little girl asks what tits are. The mother said that they were shoes. The mother told the father that he had a small dick. Once again the girl asks what a dick is and the father had said that it was a coat.
Later on the father was upstairs shaving And the little girl was watching and asked what he was putting on his face. He cuts himself and says "SHIT!!". So she goes down into the kitchen where her mother was and she asked what she was doing to the turkey. She also cut heself with the carving knife and says "FUCK!!".
The doorbell rings and she answers it. She sais to the visitors "come on in all you bitches and hoes, take off your dicks and your tits. My father is upstars putting shit on his face and my mother is in the kitchen fucking the turkey".
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Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said... "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"
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A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night.
The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!".
The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter."
The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
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A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry." This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties,it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree " "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only"
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a grandfather and a grandsone are sitting together on a porch and the grandfather opens up a beer and takes a long swig seeing this as his chance he asks his grandfather hey can i have some of that? well can your dick touch your asshole? the grandfather asks the boy . uhhh no the boy says well then no sunny the grandfather says two days later this happens again and then to weeks then the boy comes back again with a big box of cookies hey can i have one of those son? the grandfather asks . well the grandson panders can your dick touch your asshole? well yes says the granfather reaching for the box the boy pulls it away saying good then go fuck yourself these are my cookies
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A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".
The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.
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A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range.
The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad. Golfpro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."
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One day me and a friend of mine got really bored so my wienie dog jumped up on my lap. So me and my friend started cracking jokes about wienies here they are: I hate when my wienie eats dog food. I hate when my wienie chases the cat. i hate when my wienie humps dogs. I hate when my wienie pees on the floor i hate when my wienie licks people in the face. I hate when my wienie trys to lick my face. I hate when my wienie sniffs dogs butts.
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A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on.
He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!”
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?"
The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in."
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There are three men. A married man. A gay man. And a straight man. They are on a island they go into a cave. And they are caught by island guards. The island guards take the men to the chief. The chief ask the married man boo-boo are death. The married man says i don't want to die boo-boo. So the chief fucks him up the ass. He then ask the gay guy boo-boo are death. The gay guy says boo-boo all the way. So the chief fucks him up the ass. Before the chief even ask the straight guy he tells the chief ain't no one fucking me up the ass death. The chief says what know one ever chose death before i know said the chief boo-boo to death
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