Q. How do you make a Essex girl's eyes sparkle?
A. Shine a torch into her ear.

Q. How can you tell if a Essex girl is having a bad day?
A. Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Q. Did you hear about the big power cut at the Bluewater centre?
A. Forty Essex girls were stuck on the escalator for three hours

Q. What's the difference between a Essex girl and an ironing board?
A. Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.

Q. What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and a Essex girl?
A. A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q. What does a Essex girl do with her cunt after sex?
A. She takes him down the pub.

Q. How many Essex girls does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie?
A. Five. One to stir the mixture and four to peel the smarties.

Q. What's the similarity between a Essex girl and a dog's turd?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up!

Q. Why are Essex girls only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

Q. Why was the Essex girl so pleased to complete a jigsaw puzzle in 18 months?
A. Because the box said "From 2 to 5 years"

Q. What does a Essex girl say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
A. Is it mine?

Q. What do you call a Essex girl with an IQ of 50?
A. Cheat!

Q. How do you make a Essex girl laugh on a Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on a Wednesday

Q. What's the difference between a computer and a Essex girl?
A. You only have to punch information once into a computer.

Q. Why is it good to have a Essex girl passenger?
A. You can park in the handicapped spots.

Q. Why do Essex girls wear so much hair spray?
A. So they can catch all the things going over their heads.

Q. What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent Essex girl?
A. There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

Q. What does it mean if you see a Essex girl with square boobs?
A. She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.

Q. How do you plant dope?
A. Bury a Essex girl.

Q. What did the Essex girl say after the guy blew her in the ear?
A. Thanks for the refill.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and the Panama Canal?
A. One's a busy ditch.....

Q. Why do Essex girls write TGIF on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First.

Q. Why do Essex girls have TGIF on their shirts?
A. Tits Go In Front.

Q. What do you call a Surrey girl between two Essex girls?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What's the mating call of a Essex girl?
A. Gosh, I'm so drunk!

Q. What's the difference between Robert Maxwell and a Essex girl?
A. A Essex girl won't slip off your boat

Q. What do you call a Essex girl with half a brain?
A. Gifted!

Q. How is a Essex girl like a beer bottle?
A. They are both empty from the neck up.

Q. What do you call a Essex girl with a whole brain?
A. A Golden Retriever!

Q. Why do Essex girls wear shoulder pads?
A. (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q. How do Essex girls pierce their ears?
A. They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q. How many Essex girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

Q. How do Essex girl brain cells die?
A. Alone.

Q. What do you say to a Essex girl that won't give in?
A. "Have another beer."

Q. What's a Essex girl's favorite wine?
A. "awwww, why can't I go to Bluewater?"

Q. What's the difference between a Essex girl and a Porsche?
A. You don't lend the Porsche out to your friends.

Q. Why do Essex girls wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where you wash vegetables!

Q. How do you get a Essex girl to marry you?
A. Tell her she's pregnant.

Q. Why did the Essex girl scale the glass wall?
A. To see what was on the other side.

Q. How do you pull a Essex girl?
A. By her earrings!

Q. What do you do if a Essex girl throws a grenade at you?
A. Catch it, pull out the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you see when you peer into a Essex girl's eyes?
A. The back of her head.

Q. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb Essex girl, and a smart Essex girl are walking down the street when they spot a £10 note. Who picks it up?
A. The dumb Essex girl. (There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart Essex girl)

Q. How do you confuse a Essex girl?
A. You don't. They're born that way.

Q. Did you hear about the Essex girl lesbian?
A. She kept having affairs with men!

Q. Why did the Essex girl stop using the pill?
A. It kept falling out.

Q. What did the Essex girl say when asked "ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
A. "No, but I've been swung around by the tits."

Q. How did the Essex girl try to kill the bird?
A. She threw it off a cliff.

Q. What do you say to a Essex girl with no arms or legs?
A. "Nice tits!"

Q. What do you call 15 Essex girls in a circle?
A. A dope ring.

Q. What's the difference between a Essex girl wife and your job?
A. Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q. How do you describe a Essex girl surrounded by drooling idiots?
A. Flattered.

Q. Why did the Essex girl drown in the pool?
A. Someone stuck a scratch & sniff at the bottom.

Q. What's the difference between a Essex girl and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q. Why did the Essex girl go halfway to Norway then turn around and come home?
A. It took her that long to figure out a 14 inch Viking was a TV set.

Q. What did the Essex girl name her pet zebra?
A. Spot.

Q. What did the Essex girl customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)?
A. "Debbie... that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

Q. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a Essex girl's head?
A. A Space Invader.

Q. Why did the Essex girl have a bruised navel?
A. Her boyfriend's from Essex too.

Q. Why did God create Essex girls?
A. Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q. Why do Essex girls have one more brain cell than a cow?
A. So when you pull their tits, they don't shit on the floor.

Q. How can you tell if an Essex girl has been using a computer?
A. There's a note in the disk drive and a condom on the joystick

Q. Why do Essex girls like BMWs?
A. Because they can spell it.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a washing machine?
A. A washing machine doesn't follow you home after you've throw your load in it!!

Q. What goes blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette?
A. An Essex Girl doing naked cartwheels.

Q. How do you know when an Essex girl is having an orgasm?
A. She drops her donna kebabs

Q. How do you make an Essex girl laugh on Monday?
A. Tell her a joke on Friday!

Q. How do you stop an Essex girl getting pregnant?
A. Cut her brothers bollocks off

Q. How does an Essex girl turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.

Q. What designer label does an Essex girl have in her knickers?
A. Next!

Q. What does an Essex girl use for protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. What does the Essex girl say after sex?
A. Do you all play for the same team?

---

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing.
She says to him "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fannny or naffink, but why doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?"
So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."
"Cor, blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them."

---

An Essex girl was involved in a nasty car crash and was trapped bleeding in the wreckages. The paramedics soon arrives on the scene.
“It’s OK” said the ambulance man, “I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions”
“OK” said the girl.
” What’s your name”
“Sharon”
“OK, Sharon, is this your car?”
“Yes”
“Where are you bleeding from?”
“Bleeding Romford”

SPIRITUAL BRA

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color, and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused, the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."