Making Puppies
Johnny and his father were taking a walk, when Johnny noticed two dogs mating.
Johnny asks his father, "What are those dogs doing?"
"Well they are making puppies," his dad says.
The next day they see the same dogs mating and already Johnny says, "Hey they are making puppies!"
That night Johnny walks in on his parents having sex. Curious, Johnny asks, "What are you two doing?"
"Well we are making you a baby sister," said his dad.
"No no no" yells Johnny, "roll her over and make me some puppies!"
------------------------------------------
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
-----------------------------------------------------
t was rush hour and the bus was packed. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, 'Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!'
'I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket.'
'Oh really,' she spat. 'Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!'
------------------------------------------
A worried father confronted his daughter one night. 'I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid!'
'Oh no, Daddy,' the daughter replied, 'He's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.'
----------------------------------------------
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
'Mother, where do babies come from?'
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, 'Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.'
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, 'That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.'
The child seems to comprehend.
'Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?'
'Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.'
-----------------------------------------------
A doctor gets a visit from a patient who is not able to get an erection.
Doctor: Are you married?
Patient: No.
Doctor: Do you masturbate?
Patient: No.
Doctor: Do you visit prostitutes?
Patient: No.
Doctor: Do you have girlfriends?
Patient: No.
Doctor: To phir khada karke kya calender taangega?
------------------------------------
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away Santa Singh went straight round to visit his grandmother. When he asked how his grandpa had died, his granny explained 'He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning'
Horrified Santa suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.
'Oh no' granny replied, 'We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the local church bells, in with the dings and out with the dongs.'
She paused, and wiped away a tear. 'If it wasn't for that damn fire engine going past, he'd still be alive!'
-------------------------------
Bad Math Grade
A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."
His father replies, "What happened?"
The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said ƌ.'"
The father replies, "Well, that's correct."
The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"
The father then replies, "What the fuck is the difference?"
The boys says, "That's what I said!"
----------------------------------------
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
-----------------------
Muldoon lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Muldoon goes to the parish priest. "Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?"
The father explains, "We can’t have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him."
"Thanks," says Muldoon. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
The father replies, "Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
-------------------------------------
A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."
The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.
Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.
Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."
The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
--------------------------
Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.
The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"
The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"
They were still arguing when the train struck them.
No comments:
Post a Comment