More Hot SEXY jokes 4U

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

-----------------------------------------

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

--------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

----------------------------------------

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."

------------------------------------------

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

-----------------------------------------

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"

----------------------------------------

A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"

------------------------------

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

---------------------------

HOT AND FUNNY JOKES 4U

An Irish man and woman are riding up in an elevator.

The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

She replies, "Hell no!"

The man says, "Well, it must be your feet then."

-------------------------




Two buddies were sharing drinks in Murphy's bar while discussing their wives.

"Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."

-------------------------------

An Irish man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious.

The man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's.

He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him.

He also told her that his penis was also like a baby.

She said that she loved him and size didn't matter.

Come the day of the wedding and all went well.

That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie.

Her husband was in the bed waiting.
As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.

"Don't worry honey,” he said.
She took her nightgown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen.

He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.

As he took his pants off the new bride said, "Good God All Mighty.
I thought you said your penis was like a baby"

"It is," he said, "9 pounds and 19 inches long!"

------------------------

SMALL but VERY HUMOUR JOKES

A Chinese man took his pregnant wife to the hospital tp deliver...
The wife however gave birth to a black baby. The Chinese man who was shocked named him: SOME TIN WONG...


-------------------------------------------


My girlfriend called me to her house one day. I went there & found her sister alone in the house. She was unbelievably sexythan my GF. She whispered in my ear, "I have feelings for you, make love to me once" I turned around & walked to thefront door towards my car. Amazingly I found my GF standing there & she hugged me & said, "U have won my trust."
Moral:
Its always better to keep the CuNDuMS in the car & not in the wallet!!


--------------------------------------------------------


A boy goes to see a cabare dance. His mom gets angry & asks him: Did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see?
Boy: Yes, I saw dad.


-------------------------------------------


An old to Doc: Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.
Doc: That's not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down.


------------------------------------------------

People who do lots of work.make lots of mistakes,
People who do less work.make less mistakes,
People who do no work.make no mistakes,
People who make no mistakes.get promoted.


-------------------------------------------

U luv sumone... u marry sumone else. The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband & the one u loved becomes the password of your emai id...!


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A little girl to her mother: "Mom! i have come to know the boy next door have a pennes like a peanut"
Mom: " Do you mean its little"
girl: " No Mom! Its salty."


---------------------------------------


Good Time, Bad Time,
Day Time, Night Time,
Work Time, Off Time,
Happy Time, Sad Time,
Sleep Time, In the Mean Time...
I MISS YOU all the Time.


-----------------------------------------


Science has proved that sugar melts in water, so plz don't walk in the rain,
otherwise I may lose a sweet friend like u!!!


-----------------------------------------------


Money says EARN me lot,
Time says PLAN me lot,
Flower says LOVE me lot,
Study says LEARN me lot,
SMS says SEND me lot,
And l say REMEMBER me lot.


---------------------------------

Years ago i came in2 dis world naked & screaming
My goodness, now things have changed when im naked somebody else does the screaming.


-----------------------------------------

Home : A place where you can scratch where it itches.
Doctor : A person who cures the ills by pills,
and kills by his bills.
LOVE : Loss Of Valuable Energy
WIFE : Worries Invited For Ever

------------------------------------------------------------


WORDS
and
HEARTS
should be handled carefully,
Because words when
SPOKEN
&
Hearts when
BROKEN
are the hardest things to repair...

---------------------------------------------

MORE HUMOUR JOKES FOR YOU

Two buddies were sharing drinks in Murphy's bar while discussing their wives.

"Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."

---------------------------

An Irish man and woman are riding up in an elevator.

The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

She replies, "Hell no!"

The man says, "Well, it must be your feet then."

-------------------------------------

As an Dublin hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked,

"Have you just got out of prison?"

"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?"

"Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"
------------------------------------------
hree Irish guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting;

"Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says;

"I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces;

"Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

---------------------------------

Hung Chow calls AIB where he works and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
-------------------------------------------
An Irish man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
------------------------------------------------------
One day an Irish grandpa says to grandma "Why don't we go to the B&B like we used to do when we were young and get kinky?"

So they get to the B&B and go into the room.

Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up.

In the meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed.

She decides to do some leg stretches to limber up (it’s been awhile).

Well she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard.

Right then grandpa walks out of the bathroom and sees her that way.

"My God woman" he says, "you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!"

-------------------------------------------

Paddy was rambling through a crowded street fair when he
decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I
can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paddy readily agreed and the reader took one look at his
open palm and said, "I can see that you have no
girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paddy.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paddy shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can
you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."

--------------------------------------

Paddy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.

Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.

The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a leprechaun that lives there. "Ask the leprechaun to marry you and each time the leprechaun says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the leprechaun on the other side, sitting on a log.


"Leprechaun, will you marry me?"

The leprechaun looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

Paddy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"

The leprechaun rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Zappo! -- Paddy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Leprechaun, will you marry me?"

The irritated leprechaun yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"
-------------------------------------

Sexy Jokes FOR YOU

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day.

'Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?'

'I'm in love,' replied Little Johnny.

Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, 'With whom?'

'With you!' he said.

'But Little Johnny,' said the teacher gently, 'don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child.'

'Oh, don't worry,' said Little Johnny reassuringly, 'I'll use a condom!'
--------------------------------------------
Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"
-----------------------------
SEX PILLS

A lady goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that she can't get her husband to have sex with her anymore. So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have sex. That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of sex. The next night she decided to try 4 pills and she had even better sex. Well the next night she tried 8 pills and the sex was wonderful. So the next night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his dinner. A few weeks later her son showed up at the doctor's office and and said, "Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Daddy? My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's going around saying here kitty, kitty, kitty!"

--------------------------------------------------------------

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

'Mother, where do babies come from?'

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, 'Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.'

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, 'That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy�s vagina. That�s how you get a baby, honey.'

The child seems to comprehend.

'Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy�s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?'

-----------------------------

A doctor gets a visit from a patient who is not able to get an erection.

Doctor: Are you married?

Patient: No.

Doctor: Do you masturbate?

Patient: No.

Doctor: Do you visit prostitutes?

Patient: No.

Doctor: Do you have girlfriends?

Patient: No.

Doctor: To phir khada karke kya calender taangega?

--------------------------------

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

-------------------------

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

The mother asks the daughter, 'What are you doing naked?'

The daughter responds, 'This is the dress of love.'

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.

When her husband arrives, he asks her, 'What are you doing naked?'

She responds, 'This is the dress of love.'

'Well,' he says to her, 'go iron it.'

---------------------------------------------

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."

-----------------------------------------------

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

But my wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she'd make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.

----------------------------------------------

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he�s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.

'Son, there�s been a bit of a mix-up,' admits the surgeon.

'I�m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.'

'What!' gasps the patient. 'You mean I�ll never experience another erection?'

'Oh, you might,' the surgeon reassures him. 'Just not yours.'

-----------------------

Santa Singh was waiting eagerly as his wife was delivering a baby .It was a very long wait for him.Finally the nurse came out holding the baby in her hands.Santa Singh holds the baby and starts shouting
" OYE PUTTAR HUA HAI ".
The nurse screams in an irritated voice "LEAVE MY FINGER YOU FOOL"

More Humour & SEXY JOKES1

Sex is a MORE touchy subject, so we used a hands-on approach. We tried to keep it clean.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the house, when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her husband was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and started to masturbate.She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband walked in, she was writhing in the middle of the living room floor.He glanced through the mail and said to his wife, "Honey, when you're finished vacuuming the floor, could you get started on dinner?"
------------------------------------
The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex. The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.

They're going to be called.... "Pre-dick-a-mints."

-------------------------------
The Rotary Club asked a minister to come and talk to them about sex. The minister had never talked about sex before an audience and he was embarrassed, so he told his wife he was going to talk about boating. A couple days later, a Rotarian bumped into the minister's wife and he said, "Your husband gave a wonderful talk at the Rotary Club." She said, "You know, I'm really surprised. He's only done it twice. The first time, he got seasick. The second time, his hat blew off."
-----------------------------
Eighty-five year old woman: I'm going to marry a twenty-five year old man.
Her daughter: Mom these May and December romances, it could be fatal, you know.
The mother: So, if he dies, he dies."
---------------------------------------

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

--------------------------
Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
----------------------------
A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist.'

The guy, surprised, says 'Yes....how did you figure that out?'

'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.'

One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, 'You must be a really good dentist.'

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?'

'Didn't feel a thing!'
***********************************************************************************

MORE HOT more fun

After dinner and a movie, Brian drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly she jerked away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On their next date, Brian returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again she pulled away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time Mary didn't get home until very late. That night she wrote, "Dear diary: There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."
----------------------------------
ohn and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

John says, "Well, give me some examples."

Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."

"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

------------------------------------

Two Irishmen are in a doctor's office. Each of them are there to get a vasectomy...

the nurse comes into the room & tells both men "Strip & put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."

A few minutes later she returns & reaches into one man's gown & proceeds to fondle & ultimately begins to masturbate him.

Shocked as he was, he asks, "Why are you doing that?" To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure." The man not wanting to be a problem & enjoying it, allows her to complete her task. After she is through, she proceeds to the next man..

She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees & proceeds to give him oral sex. The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated & he gets a blow job?" The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO & Complete Coverage.

----------------------------

David finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.

"Not on her best day," he replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"

"No, she's broke."

"Well, then, is it sex?"

"Nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what can she do that I can't?"

"Sue me for child support."

-------------------------

MORE and MORE

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!”

Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”

---------------------------------------

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 412.”


--------------------------------------------
The biology teacher at the all-girls academy was handing back a test on the male anatomy.
“I don’t understand why you girls can’t understand the male sex organ. You’ve had it pounded into you all semester!
---------------------
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.
After a few minutes he turns to her and says, “Can I smell your pussy?”
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, “Certainly not!“
“Well,” he replies. “It must be your feet, then.”
---------------------

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail….. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn’t going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used “blow-up” dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man’s room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned… how was it for you?”

The second man replied, “I think mine was a witch.”

The first man asked, “How’s that?” “Well,” said the second man, “when I nibbled on her breast…..she farted and flew out the window!”

-----------------------------------------

There’s this man who drinks beer at a local bar every night. One night, he came in and had nothing to drink. The bartender was curious and asked him why he wasn’t drinking anything.

The man replied, “I don’t drink anymore… Last night, I blew chunks.”

”Oh that’s nothing”, the bartender replies. “Everyone gets a little sick after drinking at times!”

”No, No”, the man replies. “You don’t understand. Chunks is my dog!

--------------------------------------------

young man had met a nice young woman. They both liked each other and thought the time was right.

Both of them got naked and the man lay on top of her. Before pushing his dick in he waited. Meanwhile his dick was having a conversation with his balls.

Dick: OK lads we are going to a party tonight.
1st Ball: You mean you are.
Dick: What do you mean, you’re invited too.
2nd Ball: Yeah, but you always leave us outside knocking.
--------------------------------

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh I see,” replied the boy. “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”

The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”

---------**************---------------*************------------

HOT HUMOROUS JOKES

Making Puppies

Johnny and his father were taking a walk, when Johnny noticed two dogs mating.

Johnny asks his father, "What are those dogs doing?"

"Well they are making puppies," his dad says.

The next day they see the same dogs mating and already Johnny says, "Hey they are making puppies!"

That night Johnny walks in on his parents having sex. Curious, Johnny asks, "What are you two doing?"

"Well we are making you a baby sister," said his dad.

"No no no" yells Johnny, "roll her over and make me some puppies!"

------------------------------------------

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

---

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

---

All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.

---

We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still searching....sorry,NO BRAIN found...!
-----------------------------------------------------

t was rush hour and the bus was packed. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, 'Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!'

'I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket.'

'Oh really,' she spat. 'Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!'
------------------------------------------

A worried father confronted his daughter one night. 'I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid!'

'Oh no, Daddy,' the daughter replied, 'He's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.'
----------------------------------------------

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

'Mother, where do babies come from?'

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, 'Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.'

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, 'That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.'

The child seems to comprehend.

'Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?'

'Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.'
-----------------------------------------------
A doctor gets a visit from a patient who is not able to get an erection.

Doctor: Are you married?

Patient: No.

Doctor: Do you masturbate?

Patient: No.

Doctor: Do you visit prostitutes?

Patient: No.

Doctor: Do you have girlfriends?

Patient: No.

Doctor: To phir khada karke kya calender taangega?
------------------------------------

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away Santa Singh went straight round to visit his grandmother. When he asked how his grandpa had died, his granny explained 'He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning'

Horrified Santa suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

'Oh no' granny replied, 'We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the local church bells, in with the dings and out with the dongs.'

She paused, and wiped away a tear. 'If it wasn't for that damn fire engine going past, he'd still be alive!'
-------------------------------

Bad Math Grade

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."

His father replies, "What happened?"

The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said ƌ.'"

The father replies, "Well, that's correct."

The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"

The father then replies, "What the fuck is the difference?"

The boys says, "That's what I said!"

----------------------------------------

The Loving Husband

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

-----------------------

The Dog Funeral

Muldoon lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Muldoon goes to the parish priest. "Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?"

The father explains, "We can’t have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him."

"Thanks," says Muldoon. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

The father replies, "Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

-------------------------------------

Give and Take

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."

The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.

Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."

The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

--------------------------

Blonde Trail Trackers

Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.

The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"

The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"

They were still arguing when the train struck them.

HOT & FUNNY SHORT JOKES

A girl says to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The
guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
------------------------------------
A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex? He replied:
Depends, if I can find a phone.
--------------------------------------
Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are
sleeping with? Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!
---------------------------
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or
my sexy body? He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your
sense of humor.
--------------------------
AND THE WINNER IS: Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and
exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I advised? Lady:
Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.

---------------------------

Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?

A: Because he left a residue at every pole.

---

The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
"Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"

---

Young Man: Would you like to dance with me?
Young Woman: Do you expect me to dance with a baby!
Young Man: I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were pregnant.

---

Have you heard about this boy who could think of nothing but girls, girls and more girls? However, he has outgrown it. Now all he thinks of is women.

---

If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker. If he is bald at the back, he is sexy. If he is bald from front to back - he thinks he is sexy.

--------------------------
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their jobs.
One guy says, ''I'm a YUPPIE...ya know...Young, Urban, Professional.
The second guy says, ''I'm a DINK ...ya know...Double Income No
Kids.'' They asked the woman, ''What are you?''
She replied... ''I'm a WIFE...ya know... WASH, IRON, FUCK, ETC.''
----------------------------
A man and his wife were in bed and the man farts. His wife looks over at him and asks "What was that?" To which her husband replies "We are playing Football. It's 7 to nothing."

After a while the wife farts. "Ha! it's now 7 to 7."

So the husband gets a big fart brewing and lets it rip and in the process he shits in the bed.

The wife asks "Did you score again?"

"Nope, that's the gun for halftime. Switch sides."

-----------------------------------

There was a little boy who saw his momma fixing to take a bath. He asks her mommy can i take a bath with u, she says yes as long as u dont look under the bubbles. He looks up and says what are those she says those are my "Headlights" he looks under the bubbles and says what is that and she says that is my "garage". The next night his daddy takes a bath and he also asks him if he can take one too. He says yes as long as he doesnt look under the bubbles. The little boy disobeys once again and asks what it was. His dad replies that is my "Limosine" That same night when it is time for bed that little boy asks if he can sleep with his parents. They say yes as long as he keeps his head above the covers. So he looks (not suprising) and yells "Mommy turn on your "headlights", Daddy’s trying to stick his "limosine" in your "garage".

-----------------------------

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
**********

Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U
Continue to do so.

**********

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

**********
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can
there be greater than this one?"

**********

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and
lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

**********

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

**********

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT
YOU A FORTUNE"
**********

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
**********

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: " Billionaire"

**********

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning. hahahahaha

**********

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.

Funny & Funny Jokes

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

--------------------------

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood.

Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel", replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

----------------------------

Seems that God was just about done creating the universe. The Lord had a couple of leftovers in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to urinate while standing up. "It can be very handy," God explained to Adam and Eve. "Would either of you like that ability?"

Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! It seems the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please, Lord, let me have that ability. I would be forever grateful."

Eve just smiled and shook her head at Adam's display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, then she really wouldn't mind if he were the one given the ability to urinate while standing up.

And so, the Lord gave Adam the ability to urinate while standing up. Then, He looked back into his bag of leftover gifts. "Now, what have we here? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..."

-------------------------

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman asked him, "How much is two and two?"

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job.

-------------------

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
----------------------

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Then, when I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Doc, you've gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"My fee is $100 per visit."
"That's awfully expensive, Doc," reckoned Shakey. "Let me sleep on it, and I'll get back to you."

Six months later, the doctor and Shakey crossed paths. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For $100 a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for $10!"

"How do you figure?" asked the psychiatrist.

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

------------------------------------------

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're going to be in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off andstretch your legs?"

Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

Hot & Dirty JOKES

Who Is Listening

During the first year of marriage, the husband speaks and the wife hears.

During the second year, the wife speaks and the husband hears.

During the third year both of them speak, but only the neighbours hear.
-------------------------------

Women

Women are physically stronger than men. Why? Because women can carry two mountains at a time while men can carry only two eggs... Take Note, with the help of a bird pa!

--------------------------------

Long Marriage

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
--------------------------

Together At Last

Marie's funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating, "At last they're together. At last they're together."

A mourner whispers, "Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. What's with this nonsense...at last they're together!"

The first mourner responds, "I'm talking about her LEGS! At last they're together!"
-----------------------

Cure for a Cough

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him—he's afraid to cough!"

--------------------------------

Making Puppies

Johnny and his father were taking a walk, when Johnny noticed two dogs mating.

Johnny asks his father, "What are those dogs doing?"

"Well they are making puppies," his dad says.

The next day they see the same dogs mating and already Johnny says, "Hey they are making puppies!"

That night Johnny walks in on his parents having sex. Curious, Johnny asks, "What are you two doing?"

"Well we are making you a baby sister," said his dad.

"No no no" yells Johnny, "roll her over and make me some puppies!"

------------------------------

Dying Wives!

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"
-------------------------------------

Bad Math Grade

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."

His father replies, "What happened?"

The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said ƌ.'"

The father replies, "Well, that's correct."

The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"

The father then replies, "What the fuck is the difference?"

The boys says, "That's what I said!"

--------------------------------

50 Years

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know,"

the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

----------------

The Loving Husband

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

-----------------------

Name That Capital

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"

The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says, "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
-------------------------------

Vegas Coke Machine

A blonde in Las Vegas goes up to the Coke machine, puts in a dollar, and gets a Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

Finally, the man behind her says, "Hey, lady. Do you think I could use the machine?"

She replies, "Fuck off! Can't you see I'm winning?"

------------------------

Kiss on a Train

There is a handsome young man, a beautiful young girl, the young girl's mother, an army general and a lowly private on board a train. The ride has been going on for about half an hour, and they've all politely been glancing about at each other.

The train then went into a tunnel, a kissing sound was heard, and there was a slap. During this, the mother was thinking: "That boy has been eyeing my daughter, and now he kissed her, and my daughter slapped him. Good for her!" The daughter was thinking: "That handsome boy meant to kiss me, but kissed my mother instead, and she slapped him!" The handsome guy was thinking: "That general kissed that girl's mother, and she slapped him. I would've too, he's pretty ugly!" The General was thinking: "That handsome boy kissed that beautiful girl, and I was accidentally slapped by the beautiful girl. Ouch, that's going to leave a mark." And the lowly private thought: "Whoah, I kiss the back of my hand and get to hit the boss. I love trains."

--------------------------

Stupid Wives?

Two guys are chatting in a bar, complaining about their wives. “My wife is really stupid,” says the first guy. “Last week she bought a brand-new car, and she doesn’t even know how to drive.”

“That’s nothing,” says the second guy. “Last week I found a bunch of condoms in my wife’s purse, and she doesn’t even have a penis!”

--------------------

Hospital

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

--------------------

Blank)-gasms!

Sex in a boat - oar-gasms. Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms. Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms. Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms. Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms. Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms. Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms. Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms. Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms. Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms. Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms. Sex while broke - poor-gasms. Sex with a lion - roar-gasms. Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms. Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms. Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) - more-gasms. Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms. Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms. Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms. Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms. Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms. Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms. Sex on the beach - shore-gasms. Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms. Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms. Sex in asia - Singapore-gasms. Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms. Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms. Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms. Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms. Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms. Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms. Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms. Sex while flying - soar-gasms. Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms. Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms. Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadore-gasms. Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms. Sex while travelling - tour-gasms. Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms. Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms. Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms. Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms. Sex with a norse God - Thor-gasms. Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.

---------------------------------------

Dumb Blond Husband

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten bastard," says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

-----------------------------

Hotel

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

--------------------

Andy Rooney Quotes

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I am in shape. Round's a shape!

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
------------------------------------