“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged,” and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”
“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.”
When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?”
“Once,” he replied.
“Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?”
“Don’t stop.”
A guy is lost in the desert. All he has is a camel. He wants to fuck badly. He tries to mount the camel but when he is almost in, the camel suddenly walks away. The guy tries again and again with the same result. One day an airplane crushes in that desert, the guy rushes there and all he can rescue is a beautiful girl. He gives her food and water and she says gratefully:
- I will do anything for you for saving my life, just name it.
- Hold the camel still.
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married. So Johnny goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”
Again, Johnny instantly replies, “Our allowance - Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine”
By this time Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won’t have an answer to.
After a second, Mr.Smith says, “Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says “Well, we’ve been lucky so far………”
HOUSE SEX
When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX
After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX
After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “FUCK YOU”
COURTROOM SEX
When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his “manhood” into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn’t remove the instrument from his ‘member.’ He read the manual but didn’t find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line.
“Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company.
It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow’s udder?”
“Don’t worry,” replied the customer service rep,
“The machine will release automatically once it’s collected two gallons…
There is a teacher teaching sex education to a bunch of 5th graders.
She walks to the chalk board and draws a huge penis on the board! She truns to the class and simply asked the class,
“Class, does any one know what that is?”
The class sits silently for a second or two than peter stands from the back! He yells, “I know what that is! It’s a PENIS! I know cause my dad’s got two!”
“The small one he pee’s from, the big one he brushs the babysitters teeth with!”
There is a teacher teaching sex education to a bunch of 5th graders.
She walks to the chalk board and draws a huge penis on the board! She truns to the class and simply asked the class,
“Class, does any one know what that is?”
The class sits silently for a second or two than peter stands from the back! He yells, “I know what that is! It’s a PENIS! I know cause my dad’s got two!”
“The small one he pee’s from, the big one he brushs the babysitters teeth with!”
A young girl comes home to her mother’s house and informs her that she is engaged to be married.
She says, “Mother, he’s wonderful. He’s rich beyond our wildest dreams. He has homes in the south of France, Beverly Hills, New York, and about a dozen other cities. He has a 200 ft yacht, Ferraris, Rolls Royces, and a jet airplane.
There is only one problem….he says he really likes anal sex, and I know how you feel about that”
The mother says, “Well I don’t know dear. I’m only thinking of your happiness. I’m not sure a man like this will make you happy”.
The daughter replies, “Yes but if I marry him, you will never want for another thing as long as you live.”
The mother considers this and finally agrees to allow them to marry.
They are married shortly thereafter and go off to their honeymoon. During their honeymoon the mother receives a new house, a new car, and a sizeable pension every month from her new son-in-law.
Six months later the daughter returns from her honeymoon and she is mad as hell. She fumes, kicks furniture and swears she wants a divorce. Her mother asks her why she is so angry.
“Mother, I want a divorce. The man is an animal. All he ever wants is anal sex. All day, every day. It’s constant. Mother do you know that before I was married, my sphincter was the size of a penny, and now it’s as big as a silver dollar!”
The mother considers this for a minute and says, “I think you should reconsider dear. Do you really want me to give all this up for a measly 99 cents?”
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.”
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to.”
The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, one that would honor and glorify me.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent
treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf.”
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
Four beautiful ladies walked into a hotel to stay in for the night, the name of the hotel read, “Pleasure Giving Hotel For Women” The ladies were convinced and walked in.
On the first floor a sign read, ‘the men on this floor are not good at having sex, but are very gentle and very tempting’.
The ladies were not satisfied and they walked to the second floor which a sign read, ‘the men on this floor are good at having sex but are very rude and self-considerate’
The ladies were once again not satisfied and went on to the third floor where a sign said, ‘There are nothing wrong with the men on this floor, they’re good at having soft sex they are very nice, gentle and hot’ the four ladies were tempted to go in but decided to go to the last floor to see what was in it.
When they got there they saw a sign that said, ‘There is absolutely no one on this floor, this floor was just made to show that there is no way to please a woman’
An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, “Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?”
She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed.
The young woman, waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, “I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments.”
The cunning guy now yells loudly, “What do you mean by $500?”
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing.
We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.The blonde realises he is staring andinquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.
Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a brothel", replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
A woman goes to a doctor and says, “I am going to get married tomorrow and my would be hubby thinks I’m still a virgin but I am not. Can you do anything about it?”
The Doctor says “well there isn’t much time and the procedure takes some time. Instead do one thing - slip a band of elastic around your thigh when you get in bed. When the time is appropriate make a snapping noise with it and say that it’s your virginity snapping”. Satisfied with this, the woman thanks the doctor and goes away.
She has a great wedding, and they drive into the resort for their honeymoon. When its time for bed, she slips the band of elastic and gets to bed taking care to see that the lights are off. After the foreplay when the husband is about enter his thing ‘in there’ she makes the snapping noise.
The husband is taken aback and he says “what the hell was that!!??”. The woman says “its nothing dear..just my virginity snapping.”
“Well whatever the hell it was, snap it again. Its got my balls!!!!”
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
“I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “just as I do at the dinner table!”
Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. “Is that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.
“Yes,” replied the girl, “much better.”
“Very good, darling,” the husband whispered. “Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy.”
A couple is on a plane in the middle of the night, and it is dark and quiet.
The woman says to her husband, “Let’s have sex right here”.
The husband says, “Are you crazy? People will hear and see us”.
“But everybody is asleep”, claims the wife, “I will prove it to you. I will ask for water and you’ll see that nobody answers me and nobody even hears what I’m saying”.
So the woman says in a low voice, “Can I have some water please?”
But no one answers. So the husband starts having sex with her.
After the plane lands, a man run to the steward and says, “Quick, give me water. I have been so thirsty for the last 5 hours”
The steward gives him water and asks him, “Why didn’t you ask for water during the flight?”
The guy says, “No way, a woman two rows in front of me asked for water and you won’t believe what they did to her!”
This woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, “Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago.”
Saint Peter asks, “What’s his name?”
“John Smith,” replies the woman.
“Gee,” says Saint Peter, “we’ve got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?”
The woman thinks for a moment, then says, “Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave.”
“Oh!” says Saint Peter. “You mean Whirling John Smith!”
Several weeks after his birthday, I stopped by my sister’s house and my 7 year old nephew greeted me with, “Thanks for the Sea Scout Signal Whistle you gave me for my birthday! It’s the best birthday present I ever got.”
“That’s great, Did you learn how to pipe any signals on it?”
“Oh, I don’t play with it,” the little guy said.
“My mom gives me a dollar a day not to blow it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to blow it at night.”
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