Sunday, June 8, 2008
Q. How do you make a Essex girl's eyes sparkle?
A. Shine a torch into her ear.
Q. How can you tell if a Essex girl is having a bad day?
A. Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Q. Did you hear about the big power cut at the Bluewater centre?
A. Forty Essex girls were stuck on the escalator for three hours
Q. What's the difference between a Essex girl and an ironing board?
A. Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.
Q. What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and a Essex girl?
A. A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Q. What does a Essex girl do with her cunt after sex?
A. She takes him down the pub.
Q. How many Essex girls does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie?
A. Five. One to stir the mixture and four to peel the smarties.
Q. What's the similarity between a Essex girl and a dog's turd?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up!
Q. Why are Essex girls only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.
Q. Why was the Essex girl so pleased to complete a jigsaw puzzle in 18 months?
A. Because the box said "From 2 to 5 years"
Q. What does a Essex girl say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
A. Is it mine?
Q. What do you call a Essex girl with an IQ of 50?
A. Cheat!
Q. How do you make a Essex girl laugh on a Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on a Wednesday
Q. What's the difference between a computer and a Essex girl?
A. You only have to punch information once into a computer.
Q. Why is it good to have a Essex girl passenger?
A. You can park in the handicapped spots.
Q. Why do Essex girls wear so much hair spray?
A. So they can catch all the things going over their heads.
Q. What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent Essex girl?
A. There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
Q. What does it mean if you see a Essex girl with square boobs?
A. She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.
Q. How do you plant dope?
A. Bury a Essex girl.
Q. What did the Essex girl say after the guy blew her in the ear?
A. Thanks for the refill.
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and the Panama Canal?
A. One's a busy ditch.....
Q. Why do Essex girls write TGIF on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First.
Q. Why do Essex girls have TGIF on their shirts?
A. Tits Go In Front.
Q. What do you call a Surrey girl between two Essex girls?
A. An interpreter.
Q. What's the mating call of a Essex girl?
A. Gosh, I'm so drunk!
Q. What's the difference between Robert Maxwell and a Essex girl?
A. A Essex girl won't slip off your boat
Q. What do you call a Essex girl with half a brain?
A. Gifted!
Q. How is a Essex girl like a beer bottle?
A. They are both empty from the neck up.
Q. What do you call a Essex girl with a whole brain?
A. A Golden Retriever!
Q. Why do Essex girls wear shoulder pads?
A. (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q. How do Essex girls pierce their ears?
A. They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q. How many Essex girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Q. How do Essex girl brain cells die?
A. Alone.
Q. What do you say to a Essex girl that won't give in?
A. "Have another beer."
Q. What's a Essex girl's favorite wine?
A. "awwww, why can't I go to Bluewater?"
Q. What's the difference between a Essex girl and a Porsche?
A. You don't lend the Porsche out to your friends.
Q. Why do Essex girls wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where you wash vegetables!
Q. How do you get a Essex girl to marry you?
A. Tell her she's pregnant.
Q. Why did the Essex girl scale the glass wall?
A. To see what was on the other side.
Q. How do you pull a Essex girl?
A. By her earrings!
Q. What do you do if a Essex girl throws a grenade at you?
A. Catch it, pull out the pin and throw it back.
Q. What do you see when you peer into a Essex girl's eyes?
A. The back of her head.
Q. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb Essex girl, and a smart Essex girl are walking down the street when they spot a £10 note. Who picks it up?
A. The dumb Essex girl. (There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart Essex girl)
Q. How do you confuse a Essex girl?
A. You don't. They're born that way.
Q. Did you hear about the Essex girl lesbian?
A. She kept having affairs with men!
Q. Why did the Essex girl stop using the pill?
A. It kept falling out.
Q. What did the Essex girl say when asked "ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
A. "No, but I've been swung around by the tits."
Q. How did the Essex girl try to kill the bird?
A. She threw it off a cliff.
Q. What do you say to a Essex girl with no arms or legs?
A. "Nice tits!"
Q. What do you call 15 Essex girls in a circle?
A. A dope ring.
Q. What's the difference between a Essex girl wife and your job?
A. Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Q. How do you describe a Essex girl surrounded by drooling idiots?
A. Flattered.
Q. Why did the Essex girl drown in the pool?
A. Someone stuck a scratch & sniff at the bottom.
Q. What's the difference between a Essex girl and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q. Why did the Essex girl go halfway to Norway then turn around and come home?
A. It took her that long to figure out a 14 inch Viking was a TV set.
Q. What did the Essex girl name her pet zebra?
A. Spot.
Q. What did the Essex girl customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)?
A. "Debbie... that's cute. What did you name the other one?"
Q. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a Essex girl's head?
A. A Space Invader.
Q. Why did the Essex girl have a bruised navel?
A. Her boyfriend's from Essex too.
Q. Why did God create Essex girls?
A. Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q. Why do Essex girls have one more brain cell than a cow?
A. So when you pull their tits, they don't shit on the floor.
Q. How can you tell if an Essex girl has been using a computer?
A. There's a note in the disk drive and a condom on the joystick
Q. Why do Essex girls like BMWs?
A. Because they can spell it.
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a washing machine?
A. A washing machine doesn't follow you home after you've throw your load in it!!
Q. What goes blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette?
A. An Essex Girl doing naked cartwheels.
Q. How do you know when an Essex girl is having an orgasm?
A. She drops her donna kebabs
Q. How do you make an Essex girl laugh on Monday?
A. Tell her a joke on Friday!
Q. How do you stop an Essex girl getting pregnant?
A. Cut her brothers bollocks off
Q. How does an Essex girl turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.
Q. What designer label does an Essex girl have in her knickers?
A. Next!
Q. What does an Essex girl use for protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. What does the Essex girl say after sex?
A. Do you all play for the same team?
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing.
She says to him "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fannny or naffink, but why doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?"
So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."
"Cor, blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them."
An Essex girl was involved in a nasty car crash and was trapped bleeding in the wreckages. The paramedics soon arrives on the scene.
“It’s OK” said the ambulance man, “I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions”
“OK” said the girl.
” What’s your name”
“Sharon”
“OK, Sharon, is this your car?”
“Yes”
“Where are you bleeding from?”
“Bleeding Romford”
SPIRITUAL BRA
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color, and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused, the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
Monday, June 2, 2008
Short Jokes
Two nudists got divorced because they were seeing too much of each other.
The thief stole a calendar. He got 12 months.
Lady : So, you want to become my son-in-law? Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way 2 marry ur daughter!
"I hear that you drop some money in Stocks. Were you a bull or a bear?" "Neither, just a plain simple ass."
A lady delivered twins. Suprisingly one is a boy and another is a dog how it is possible? Bcoz her husband is HUTCH DEALER.... wherever u go out network follows
Dream makes al things possible, Hope makes al things work, luv makes al thigs beutifl, smile makes al d abv so always BRUSH UR TEETH...!
Husband: Today is sunday & I have to enjoy it. So i bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: why three? Husband: 4 u and ur parents.
A police recruit was asked during exam, "What would u do if u had to arrest ur own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
A baby monkey asks his father, Father why r we so ugly? The father says to him, don't stress my son u should see the one who is reading this!!
Her Job & My Job Her Job is to Bitch! Mine is to give her a Reason!
What do u call a woman in heaven? An Angel. A crowd of woman in heaven? A host of Angels. And all woman in heaven? PEACE ON EARTH!
Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller? Tommy: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.
I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!
What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.
Sign post outside our collage- "Drive Carefully! Dont kill the Students, Wait for the Lecturers!".
A small kid wrote to Santa Clause, "send me a brother". santa wrote back, "send me ur mother".
Scientists all over the world r wondering how long a human being can live without a brain... Kindly tell them ur age...
What happened 2 ur network? I tried 2 call u but the operator said "Welcome 2 the jungle, the monkey u r trying to call is on the tree....Plz try later."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
God thought that since he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother. Then devil thought that he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother-in-law.
Why couldn't the apple send an e-mail to the orange? Because the lime was engaged.
A good friend is like a computer I 'enter' ur life, 'save' u in my heart, 'format' ur problems, 'shift' u 2 opportunities & never 'delete' u from my memory!
sorry 4 disturb u. can u fax me ur photo, its very urgent, serious matter has comeup actually, we r playing a cards and I lost the joker
Q:) What does a buffalo produce during an EarthQuake? A:) MilkShake
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear I know, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
When in life, you wake up n you don't see anyone, then come to me. I will be there to take you to an eye specialist!
When in life, you wake up n you don't see anyone, then come to me. I will be there to take you to an eye specialist!
r mosquitoes religious? Yes They first sing over u & then prey on you
What is a difference between a Kiss, a Car and a Monkey? A kiss is so dear, a car is too dear and a monkey is U dear.
Funny Jokes
Three ducks went into court. The judge called the first one to the stand.
"What is your name?" he asked.
"Quack." the duck answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was blowing bubbles." he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"Quack," the duck answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was blowing bubbles." the duck replied.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack." he said.
"No," said the duck, "My name is Bubbles."
Barely twenty minutes after teeing off a woman walks into the clubhouse and she's grimacing in pain.
"What's the matter?” The club pro asked
" I got stung by a bee" the woman replied
"Where" The club pro said
"Between the first and second holes"
"hmmmmm" The pro said " Sounds like your stance is a little too wide"
Being married for some time the wife began questioning her husband. “I know you’ve been with a lot of women before;” she said “How many were there?” The husband replied, “Look, I don’t want to upset you, but there were more than a couple of women.
Let’s just leave it at that.” She continued to plead. Finally, her husband gave in. “Let’s see,” he said. “there was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine…
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking girl behind the wheel. There was a strong liquor smell all over the car. “I am going to give you a Breathalyzer test,” he said. “That will show whether or not you are under the influence of alcohol.” She blew up the balloon and the cop walked it back to the police car. After a minute or two, he returned to the girl’s car. “Well, it looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones,” he said.
“You mean it show that, too?” she said.
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
"What is your name?" he asked.
"Quack." the duck answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was blowing bubbles." he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"Quack," the duck answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was blowing bubbles." the duck replied.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack." he said.
"No," said the duck, "My name is Bubbles."
Barely twenty minutes after teeing off a woman walks into the clubhouse and she's grimacing in pain.
"What's the matter?” The club pro asked
" I got stung by a bee" the woman replied
"Where" The club pro said
"Between the first and second holes"
"hmmmmm" The pro said " Sounds like your stance is a little too wide"
Being married for some time the wife began questioning her husband. “I know you’ve been with a lot of women before;” she said “How many were there?” The husband replied, “Look, I don’t want to upset you, but there were more than a couple of women.
Let’s just leave it at that.” She continued to plead. Finally, her husband gave in. “Let’s see,” he said. “there was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine…
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking girl behind the wheel. There was a strong liquor smell all over the car. “I am going to give you a Breathalyzer test,” he said. “That will show whether or not you are under the influence of alcohol.” She blew up the balloon and the cop walked it back to the police car. After a minute or two, he returned to the girl’s car. “Well, it looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones,” he said.
“You mean it show that, too?” she said.
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
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